Failing to Fail

I took part in a clowning workshop last weekend.

I've touched on clowning a little over the years but not really gone into it too far.

I learned a lot, I got a lot out of it.  The main thing I learned is that I really, really, struggle to fail.

That actually sounds like a really bold statement ;)  But really... I don't let myself fail.

I've been 'in charge' of many things since a young age (I directed my first show at age 12 (it wasn't very good)).  I've always been the person who organises and runs things.  I've always seen being unsure or unable to answer to anything as a weakness and as such it's stopped me learning.  I don't challenge myself because I a) don't want to be wrong and b) if I do something and it ends up being wrong it feels like a huge waste of time.
I've always struggled with this.

No one LIKES to fail though really, do they?

Well a clown is fine with it... and works through it optimistically (another trait I don't really have).

So.  We were given a task, one of many on the day, which was going to be hard if not impossible to achieve.  It was a clapping game, hitting beats at a certain time, with a partner.
The exercise isn't important really... what I did with it was.
I figured out how to win.
I completed it.
We got to the end of it, and the teacher had nothing to say to us.  No one laughed.  We were done.  We sat down.
I leant over to my partner and apologied - "We didn't get any feedback because we failed to fail, my fault, sorry".

After being an improviser for nearly 13 years you'd think I'd be all over this... I was kicking myself.  Within my troupe nowadays I'm a little better at making myself this vulnerable, but MORE EFFORT NEEDED.

If you see me, make sure I'm failing at something... it will cheer me up.